Proclaiming His Goodness

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle; He is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge who subdues peoples under me.” – Psalm 144:1-2

In my simplistic way of thinking, love and war are two entirely different concepts that mix like oil and water. Love is patient and kind, right? Does not envy, boast…

For so many years, my faith was childish, not childlike. Even though I knew that God’s love is endlessly available, my flawed perspective of grace saw it with conditions attached – such as, you can have this if you promise to do better in the future. Like a child who negligently or accidently breaks an object and is afraid to tell their parents, I am afraid to take the brokenness in and around me to my Heavenly Father. I try to glue the pieces together myself or sweep it all under the rug, instead of handing the pieces to Him and acknowledging that I cannot fix any of it. Afraid of condemnation and shame, I stuff my broken actions and thoughts in exchange for my ideas of how I ‘ought’ to approach Him. Yes, I should approach Him with respect, acknowledging that He alone is the creator and ruler of all: however, if He loved me enough to die for all my sin, why do I think that He will be angry when I honestly approach Him with my sin and shame? Why do I think that He will shake His head at my pain and confusion, seeing me as a silly child who just hasn’t learned my lesson yet? I know His death on the cross means I can have eternal life with Him, but I am still learning about the relationship He wants to have with me right now.

“God I can’t do this, I can’t do this!”

The panic was building inside me like nausea. Fear had finally overtaken me, and these words only increased in their volume as they played on repeat in my mind. I was not ready to face the reality that my brother was gone; yet I knew that, in the coming hours, the fog would lift and this nightmarish concept would be the reality I would have to live with. I had no idea what this journey would be like, and I was afraid for it.

Wildernesses are places people tend to avoid. They are uncomfortable and unpredictable at best, dangerous and deadly at worst.

But they are places we all must walk through.

Sometimes life is just hard, and there are two things I’ve found to be particularly difficult: giving things up, and knowing what and when to give up. Whether it’s physical belongings, relationships or commitments, letting go is never easy. However, one thing I’ve found to be helpful in this process is to take a step back to evaluate what season of life God has me in – because when I know where I am, it is easier to see what I should be doing. God has recently taken me down a path different from any other I’ve been on (as He usually does), and I’ve had to identify some things that are are hindering my progress down this path. I’ve been juggling too many balls, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to temporarily set my blog aside. I will not quit writing permanently, but I need to put it down for right now.

I don’t know that the season for this blog is past; however, I do know that I need to let go of it for the time being because I can’t give it maximum effort right now. This decision was not easy to come to, but I see more and more (sometimes on a daily basis) that I really do need to give this up for the time being. I don’t ever want to say ‘no’ to something because it will be uncomfortable as it stretches and grows me; yet I also don’t want to hold onto something when the season for it has passed and it is time for me to give it up. 

So this is goodbye for now. While I am a bit apprehensive about what God has next for me in this crazy journey, I am very excited about how He will grow me through it all. My mantra lately has been, “If He’s brought me here, He can surely see me through.” I serve a faithful God; He’s never once let me down, and I know He never will.